Saturday, December 31, 2005

Woolly Tongue Jacket

This morning i awoke with a rather unpleasant taste in my mouth. In inspection in the bathroom, i learned that my tongue had turned yellow owing to the sizable amount of gunk that coated it. I brushed, i flossed and then located my ayurvedic tongue scraper that i bought with some ayurvedic herbs some time ago. The sheer amount of gunk was quite incredible. Suppressing the gag reflex (i`m sure this will be easier with practice) i scraped and scraped and still it kept coming. I'm de-gunking.

Vitamin `B` tablets turn my urine bright, bright yellow. I'm sure it would glow in the dark if i bottled it.

My skin is clearer and noticably less oily. The ever present acne on my back is clearing and i have a healthy looking "flush" to my cheeks. My legs do ache a bit though from all the jogging but my nasal airways are clearer than they have been for years. My spine creaks, but not unpleasantly, from the reinstigation of my yoga regime, which i have neglected for about a year now.

I feel alert and a need to do stuff.

I am the duracell bunny.

Friday, December 30, 2005

Brain Washing and Drying Up

As well as the rather obsessive bowel cleansing that seems to be a requisite for any detox program, i`m adding in a mental program too - its kind of a mental detox and intelligence increase program.


- not buying or reading any newspapers - they give only distorted views, and the news they carry tend to encourage a sense of helplessness, fear and outrage. I'm not watching Eastenders any more either for the same reasons.

- music - i`m listening to classical music for the first time in my life. I'm also revisiting my 4AD mystical music collection of "Dead Can Dance", "Cocteau Twins" and "This Mortal Coil".

- internal dialogue - i`m paying closer attention to my internal dialogue and any negative thought i may have. I'm thinking 10 nice things a day and practicing smiling in the mirror to help stimulate the happy gland and release the happy juices.

- internut - google "safesearch" function is now activated.

- meditation: I am extending my meditation routine to 10 minutes of TM per day, a daily 20 minute use of the Alpha Stim ( and a nightly 60 minute Proteus session.

- Yoga - i have enrolled in yoga classes again, starting next week.

Intelligence Increase:

800mg of Piracetam daily
4.5mg of Hydergine FAS
400mg Gingko Biloba
250mg Brahmi Satva
1000mg Hypericum

This is in addition to the Chyawanaprash purchased from the great folks at The Nandi Shanthi Shop:, Milk Thistle, vitamin `B` tablets and lecithin (no idea what lecithin does, but i`m told it is important for a detox).

I rattle.

House Cleaning...

I once read that the average bowel produces about 10 tons of mucous in it's lifetime. The advert went on to say, "Imagine never cleaning your house, the accumulated waste would soon begin to compromise both you and your family's health..." and so on. It was an advert for colonic irrigation. I've never really likened by bowel to my house and i am not convinced on the logic, after all - reindeer seem to get by perfectly well without colonics, and so do penguins.

But, this is the detox adventure and as i already have my DIY colonic kit from Ebay and it would be a shame not to make use of it. For solution, i used luke-warm coffee. I really don't care to think who it was, or why it was, that someone came up with coffee as the ideal solution to squirt up their bottom, but for some reason coffee supposedly has a "natural cleansing action on the bowel and liver" when delivered directly to the colon. Trust me on this, i read it on the internut. Type "coffee enema" into google and you get over 97000 websites dedicated to the subject.

With Official Housemate safely out of the house, the litre solution was duely squirted "skywards" via the interesting tubular arrangement and a not too unpleasant "whooshing" sensation did occur. (I did discover quite by accident that if you angle the tube just right, the whooshing sensation occurs right over the prostate which does carry with it a strange and curious arousing effect). With one litre of weak coffee sloshing around inside me, i thought i`d perform a bit of abdominal massage to help move things around a bit. This went well for about 30 seconds before i was hit with the most incredibly strong and deep pain that immediately conjured thoughts of ruptured bowels, gross humiliation in the casualty department closely followed by a rapid and messy death.

Expulsion was rapid, fluid mostly, bringing with it immense relief from the incredible pain, but producing remarkably little "brown matter." I haven't felt any less toxic, but one strange thing - today everything seems to smell of coffee.

Thursday, December 29, 2005

It's all about motion(s)....

Yesterdays shopping trip to Tesco`s was preceded by a visit to the health food shop. I only intended to buy some cheap lentils, but they had a sale on and the rather enthusiastic shop assistants on hearing of my detox adventure gave me a quick tour of the aisles.

I left with:

a large bag of prunes (pitted)
a bottle of "aloe vera bowel cleanse" tablets
4 bags of lentils (x2 red, x2 green)
large bag of dried soya chunks (looks a bit like winalot)
bottle of sage capsules
more bottles of milk thistle capsules (there were half price)
a bottle of vitamin b complex
box of clipper green tea
Andrew's liver salts
2 bags of pumpkins seeds
1 very large bag of shelled sunflower seeds

There were more things that i needed apparently, but i staggered out the shop bewildered and headed quickly back to base camp.

In Tescos i filled my mini-trolley with green things, posh brown bread (no more cheap Tescos-own brown bread for me), tomato juice, carrots, bags of salad, herbal teas, decaffeinated tea, fruit, more prunes, simple soap/shampoo etc. I headed excitedly to the tills to walked the mile long row of checkouts loooking for my favorite checkout lady, but she wasn't working there that day. Instead i had Stuart, undoubtedly a student who looked like he was beginning to regret choosing to work the day after what had clearly been a previous night of much merryment. "I'm doing a detox" i told him to try and perk him up a little. "Do you have a clubcard?" he replied, completely ignoring my enthusiasm. I tried to quickly think of something witty, but i`ve learned from these experiences that whilst i might satisfy whatever emotional need is occuring at the time, i tend to look back on my wittiness and cringe in the early hours of the following morning.

So, having eaten just a few lentils and soya chunks, fruit, and leafy green things yesterday, and taken three of my aloe vera bowel cleanse tablets (it said do not take more than one in 24 hours, but they are tiny so i thought i`d chance it), taken three doses of Andrew`s liver salts, i feel ready today to start the bowel cleanse. I'll wait until Official Housemate has gone to work and will report my findings later on...

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Andrew T. Austin - Non-Toxic! Posted by Picasa

The Adventure Begins...

Andy's detoxification adventure starts today. Today, i start a YEAR of purity.

So, no more spending weekends battling hangovers (average weekly alcohol bill: £20-£30), no more shop bought rolls and sandwiches, bumper bags of crips (cheese and onion) and cans of coke (average lunchtime bill: £4.50).

I think I`ll just about manage to do without the weekly kebab/jumbo burger from the late-night van, but I need to do something about my tea/caffeine intake - 15+ cups per day. I think I'll wean myself off the tea slowly.

I have already purchased my DIY colonic kit from Ebay for just under a fiver. I will wait 'til the others are at work before i try this one - as it might get a bit messy. I did used to be a nurse so I understand the logistics of such undertakings well. I learned the hard way that when delivering volumes of purifying fluids into regions that are designed to expell under pressure, it is very wise to always keep one's mouth firmly closed).

To attempt to salvage what is left of my liver function, i have bought a bountiful supply of "milk thistle" capsules which has some kind of therapeutic properties for the liver, allegedly (you probably have to eat entire plants for this magical effect, but hey, it's cheap). Later today, i`m off to Tescos to impress my favorite cashier (she`s warming to me, she is, she is!) with an astonishing array of green leafy things, herbal teas and "nothing added, pure and simple" soap, shampoo and assorted toiletries. If I feel brave, I may ask her if she fancies a cup of camomile (made with filtered water) and a piece of cucumber after work.

I've located a cheap tracksuit and intend to learn how do that alien thing called "exercise". I have already got a route marked out for a gentle jog later that avoids impinging into the territorial space already claimed by the Chichester faction of the Hash House Harriers. Having looked at their website, i can honestly say that i am a little scared of the Hash House Harriers. They look like they have strange initiatory rights not entirely dissimilar to the ones i witnessed during my brief time working for the British army that usually involve large amounts of alcohol and sticking things into people's bottoms.

So, the adventure begins.. So, I will shortly be kissing goodbye to bad skin, hangover breath, and an impending sense of "I really, really must do something about my lifestyle or i`m going to die" feeling.

I am excited...join me.