Monday, January 02, 2006

Mountaineering...

I'm climbing the walls. I am undergoing some serious introspection that i didn't really expect. Last night i had too much energy and nothing to do with it - the cravings started, first for chocolate (there is a ton of it left over from Christmas) , then for cake (ditto), finally settling on a cigarette (Official Housemate left a packet on the side before heading out for the night - the rotter!)

Reminding myself of my 12 month commitment, i refused to give in and, decision made, the cravings quickly passed. But then something sinister emerged - a curious combination of boredom and loneliness. I ate a handful of health food pumpkin seeds and sunflower seeds and re-intro-spected. Yep - it was still there: boredom and loneliness.

Wow!

I had a bath (current bathroom reading material: "Some Luck" by John Bird, the guy who started "The Big Issue") and watched some telly before settling down around 11pm with a one hour Proteus session (Audio program: "Healing Chants" by Jonathan Goldman) and adjunctive Alpha Stim session. I didn't fall asleep before the session ended but did quickly drift into a beautiful meditational state. Later, i disconnected and fell asleep.

Then horror!

I awake around 6am into dreamy alpha-type state, except this was anything but pleasant. In my dreamy state, i am remembering being 13 years old wondering around the playground at my big scarey comprehensive school. I am wondering around looking for someone to talk to, but to my horror, i realise i`ve let my friendships slip and everyone i see seems to busy to notice me. It was my first ever experience of feeling "lonely". After much searching and failure, i find a bench and sit on my own and open my packed lunch and hope to find something to eat to soothe myself.

But I'd already eaten it all.

I realise that this is far more than a simple period of detox.


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