Monday, January 16, 2006

Rubber Swamps and Leeches!

My Kombucha brew is ready.

I can tell because it now resembles a rubbery swamp fermenting in a tub.

Of course, it is only now that I realise that I need something to bottle it in and so searched the house in a vague hope of finding a suitable number of vessels. I've settled on using the wine bottles which collect beside the recycle bin. There is a plentiful supply as Official Housemate is still insistent on living the hedonistic and somewhat toxic lifestyle of a committed drinker/smoker.

I'll see if I can con her into drinking kombucha. Heh!

Should any reader of these adventures fancy owning a piece of the fungal swamp in order to start their own culture, please do get in touch and I'll mail a piece out to you. I send it only as an object of curiosity - on receiving the piece, I advise beating it with a stick to ensure that it is properly dead. If you do decide to grow it and plop it into a big tub of tea in your airing cupboard, you may find that it takes over your house, poisons your family and then runs off with the cat.

So, please bear in mind that 1. I am not insured and 2. I really don't care about your cat.

Talking of cats, I hadn't realised how toxic pets can actually be. It's their parasites, you see. According to some alternative health folks, all human diseases are actually causes by PARASITES, yes that's right - wee little beasties that lurk menacingly deep within your body.

Some alt. health loons such as Hulda Clarke and co. have made themselves very wealthy promoting the parasite theory by selling strange books on the subject ("The Cure For All Diseases") and devices such as "zappers" that apparently kill the parasites and therefore cures all human illnesses and maladies as a result - including cancer and AIDS.

I've seen some horrific parasite infections/infestations during my many trips over in India. The squeamish amongst you may wish to go and hide behind the sofa before we proceed...

One scene involved a fellow backpacker who discovered to her horror that a ball of white worms the size of a large fist dropped out of her anus whilst she squatted on the toilet. Apparently she'd been feeling quite unwell for a number of weeks prior to this most unpleasant expulsion. As the token resident nurse, I was called to come and try to identify the nature of the worm-ball whilst her companion tried to coax her gibbering friend out of the shower. We got her off to the medical clinic quite sharpish for a thoroughly medical examination and an industrial strength dose of the special local anti-helmintic.

I then went and spent an hour in the shower myself, and no, it wasn't with the gibbering friend.

Another parasitic horror scene was the taxi driver in Varanasi who delightedly showed me the little worm that was living in the aqueous humour of his left eye, right before asking for 50 rupees for my viewing pleasure. There are some times in India when I just find myself asking, just what the hell am I doing here?

So, whilst quacks like Hulda Clarke are busy building themselves a very special place in hell, I can understand the concern of a contributor to the alternative health newsgroup this morning.

He was rather concerned to find this in his toilet:

Poor chap writes that he's worried it came from his intestines - so he posts it onto the internet! Me? If that damned thing slipped out of my bottom, I'd have been into the nearest Casualty department clutching it in a jam jar quicker than you could shout, "Toxicara!"

Anyone know what it is? Looks a bit like a bottom leech to me. If you have any better suggestions, please send them on over and I'll be sure to let the owner know!


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank you for making me smile. :)

2:41 PM  

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