Saturday, February 25, 2006

Man 'Flu

I’m stricken with man-flu.

I’m assured that it isn’t really “real flu” because us guys never actually get that. When a guy gets a cold, cough or ‘flu, it’s “man-flu” and a sad example of how weak we are.

Somehow, it seems to be culturally fine to mock or laugh at men when they are ill. Men’s problems such penis cancer, phimosis, prostatitis, epididymitis, pyronies disease, impotence and drippy dick often elicit smirks. Guys largely don't know about these afflictions and it was only when I went public a couple of years ago about my seemingly never ending epididymitis that I realised just how many people have this enduring condition (it's now long since resolved thanks to the lovely folk at

But I've noticed that we never laugh at breast cancer, thrush, pelvic inflammatory disease and female infertility.

When some woman get ill seasonal infectious diseases of course it’s “real-flu.” Any foolish male attempt at challenging the validity of the self-diagnosis merely demonstrates the utter incompetence of the male of the species at understanding and empathising with females.

There's a bit of me that is sure this is a contemporary expression of the genetic program that demands that males should be the dominant of the species and any deviation from this elicits mockery as the male is demoted down the social hierarchy by daring to appear to suffer.

Use the “comments” section at the bottom of this blog entry for responses to this. Thanks.

So I’m popping my vitamins, drinking Kombucha, taking 4 hourly paracetamol to reduce my temperature and moping around the house wrapped in my dressing gown and blankets. Additional to this I’m also making sure I speak with that muffled nasal tone when I’m on the telephone. I have to do this, otherwise everyone says, “Well, you don’t sound ill.” Sounding ill is vitally important for the male of the species otherwise the element of disbelief from others is very high.

I’ve had to cancel all my clients this week for fear of 1. Being less empathic than usual and 2. Infecting them with diseases and forever more being that bastard who not only was short tempered and intolerant of their problems but also infected them with something evil. Such an outcome would not be likely to inspire future clients to avail themselves of my change-work services.

The dressing gown and blankets, although impractical, are also highly important. Of course, jeans and a woolly jumper would undoubtedly be as warm and infinitely more practical, but then it sends out the wrong signals. “You don’t look very ill” is the typical response if you look like you might have just come in from pottering about in the garage.

It is most important to both sound ill and look ill.

And of course, the risk that the endless stream of casual callers might catch a glimpse of my giblets from an accidental breeze across my dressing gown ensures that no one dares to stay for long.

I must say though – daytime TV really sucks. I’m appalled that people actually watch it. If only I was well enough to go to the library for a bucketful of DVDS…


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ahhhhh - Poor, Poor Andy!

Can I get you anything? Some nice aromatic oils to burn (rub on your chest) to reduce your congestion? A bit of Reiki to alleviate the raised temperature, shivers and headache? A selection of DVDs to help you while away the time? General TLC?

Just shout - only too pleased to offer some energy exchange to help you on the raod to recovery.

Your Bête Noir

8:27 AM  

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