Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Memorable Lolly Moments

I’ve had exams this week – NEBOSH health and safety. Not sure if it’s a good sign or not, but I’ve tended to finish them within less than half the allocated time. I answered every question to the best of my knowledge, so either I’m just a speedy writer or my knowledge is less than half of what it should be. Either way, I’ll find out the results in September.

So, with just over an hour to sit and ponder I found my mind wandering and revisiting past patients who, for whatever reason, continue to lurk inside my subconscious. The first to spring to mind was an elderly cardiac patient who was well known to the department. He was well known partly due to his repeated hospital admissions, but the real reason for his over-familiarity was largely due to his unfathomably big penis.

Amongst the nursing staff this guy was a legend, it seemed almost everyone knew about this monster penis. Each admission, the most naïve student would of course be assigned to him to assist him with bed bathing, urination or whatever as some kind of initiatory trial. Being 92-years-old and bed-bound didn’t curtail this guy’s enthusiasm one little bit – he was still very proud of that penis and would happily show it off to anyone who cared to look. His rather tired looking wife of 40 years used to sigh when he started showing it off and one day she sighed to me, “You know, it really was the reason I married him - he was always so full of fun.”

Needless to say, it was a heart attack that killed him in the end. Apparently, his wife died 2 days later and they were buried together on the same day.

Another one that I recall was from my Accident and Emergency days – one 19-year-old lad with an eighth of an ounce of cannabis resin lodged quite firmly in his ear canal. He’d shoved it down there with a pencil. “My mate told me it would absorb straight into my brain,” the brainless idiot told us.

Another memorable one was Michael, a five year old boy with a number of snails stuffed up his nose, and Eric aged 7, with a moth in his ear, (“I’ve got earwigs!” he told me.)

So sat in the exam room, mentally killing time, my mind wandered. For a moment, self-doubt must have crept in as I remembered vividly the moment I was gluing a 4-year-old’s scalp back together with “superglue” and I discovered with some embarrassment that I had accidentally glued my fingers to his head. “Great!” declared his father, “you get to keep him for the weekend!”

“Does this normally happen?” asked his mother as though I’d make a habit of such activities, whilst the four old asked very simply if he could have the lolly he’d been promised for being good.

This of course then got me thinking about lollies. Who invented the lolly and why? As a child I used to love the “drum” lollies – they were almost too big to fit and so chewy that they’d pull out loose teeth and fillings, but invariably I’d pull out the paper stick and stuff the entire thing in my mouth regardless.

Lollies were great, but the sticks sometimes seemed unnecessary.

So, will I pass my exams? Who knows, but if I don’t – there’s always the lolly logic of small children, which is: “I’ve got a man stuck to my head that I split open when I fell from the climbing frame earlier on. Now, I’ve got a man stuck to my head – so can I have my lolly now, please?”


Anonymous Caroline said...

Good Luck with the exams - perhaps it's not a good idea to tell you I took them about 13 years ago now and didn't have any time to even read them through for corrections. However, I DID pass (and have the certificate to prove it!) and trust you will too!

8:50 PM  

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